Finally I overcome my natural shyness, come up to Kirsten Dunst and say: “Oh! Hi, Kirsten! How are you doing?”
And Kirsten says: “Hi!”
Me: “My name is Mitya. Though you can hardly pronounce it.”
She: “Do you mind if I don’t even try?”
I say, “No problem”.
She: “My name is Kirsten, by the way”.
Me: “I know. You’re a star. Besides, I just said, ‘Hi, Kirsten!’. That means I knew your name. I could hardly guess it. Because Kirsten is a very rare name. For Dunst. I mean, for a girl.”
She smiles indulgently.
Me: “And never mind my accent. I am from Russia.”
She: “Are you? Russia is so far away.”
Me: “Yeah, Russia is helluva far away. Waking up every morning or going out of the house, I always think, ‘I am far away! Craps, I am so far away—from Kirsten Dunst!’”
There goes an uncomfortable pause.
Then I say, “By the way, you are very popular in Russia, Kirsten.”
She says, “Really?”
Me: “Oh yeah, just like ‘Moment’ glue.”
She: “I don’t get it.” (Sort of, ‘I don’t understand it.’)
I say, “It’s a stuff that folks sniff from plastic bags in the doorways before going to the cinema to watch your movies. Though you are much stronger stuff than glue!”
She says, “Oh, it’s nice”.
Me: “We’ve just got your new movie in cinemas at the moment. It’s called ‘Jumanji’.”
She says, “Sorry, ‘Jumanji’’s not a new one. I was fourteen then. Do I look like fourteen now?”
I say, “I didn’t mean to offend you, Kirsten. It’s because Russia is too far away.”
She says, “Don’t worry, it’s all my fault. I should be more indulgent to people like you.”
And she smiles indulgently.
And I say, “What kind of people?”
She says, a little confusedly, “I mean, Russians.”
I say, “Oh, I see. That’s O. K.!”
Then she heaves a sigh of relief, for it seems to be an embarrassing moment, indeed.
She says, “Also, it’s too cold in Russia.”
And I say, in Russian: “I wonder what exactly she means.”
She does not understand and goes on, “My boyfriend told me, temperature can decrease to minus five hundred degrees in one minute.”
I say, “Actually, it can. But not in Moscow. Somewhere in Tver, maybe. Yeah, in Tver it certainly can.”
Suddenly she says, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
I think for a while and then say, “Not now. I used to, but she was ripped up by a bear when she went to Red Square to buy some vodka.”
She casts her eyes down. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
Me: “That’s O. K. Except the fact I have to live with it.”
Kirsten: “Oh! With that bear?”
I can’t find anything to answer.
Suddenly she says, “Kiss me. I’ve got to check something out.”
I turn red.
She says, “Just one kiss”.
Then I say, “Well, as long as it’s one, O. K.”
She closes her eyes. Our lips rush towards each other. Then all of a sudden Spider-Man jumps out of nowhere, grabs Kirsten easily and takes her away…
So, here I am—sitting in waiting for what is to come next.